I'll Be Missing You
by Thera90
Summary: Set right after As you Were. Buffy breaks up with Spike, but can she leave him completely? And what has to happen before she will finally realize her true feelings for him?
1. Chapter 1

**I'll Be Missing You**

**Rating**: NC-17

**Summery:** Right after As you Were. Buffy breaks up with Spike, but can she leave him compleatly? And what has to happen before she will finally realize her true feelings for him?

**Spoilers**: Vague spoilers for everything up to the episode As You Were in Season 6.

**Disclaimer:** The show Buffy the Vampire Slayer and all of it's characters belong to Mutant Enemy, & Fox Prod.

**Note: **The lyrics included in this fic are from "I'll be missing you" by Puff Daddy.

* * *

**Chapter 1**

_Every step I take, every move I make  
Every single day, every time I pray  
I'll be missing you_

Spike watched as the girl he loved walked away from him. Her words echoed in his head.

"_I'm using you William. And it's killing me."_

Buffy took a deep breath and held her head up high, trying to be strong as she left Spike. Every step was harder and harder, her legs felt weaker, but she didn't look back. She couldn't bear to see the look on Spike's face.

She didn't even look back at him. Spike felt as if Buffy had ripped out his unbeating heart, squashed it under her shoe and spat on in disgust.

Buffy felt a single tear slide down her cheek and she tried to walk away faster. She was doing this for both of them. They both needed to be apart, they could not be together, she was only ruining her life and his . . . unlife. Vampires and Slayers did not go together. It was unhealthy. She had only loved one vampire before, Angel, and look where that lead to, Angel becoming evil again, breaking her heart more than once and leaving her. Now Buffy had to leave Spike, before it was too late to ever turn back.

* * *

Who had he been kidding? She would never, could never love him. Even though Buffy had told him constantly that he was a pig, he disgusted her, she would never trust him, and that she would never love him, Spike hadn't really believed her. Not fully. He had always secretly hoped that eventually Buffy would develop some feelings for him. Maybe even one day love him.

He was such a fool. Spike remembered his first real kiss with Buffy – no spells, and out of her free will. He remembered how his heart had lifted and how warm and alive she had felt. The kiss had been urgent and full of need. Spike remembered their first time together too, how it had felt to be inside her. He had thought he was in heaven. But vampires don't go, and can't go to heaven.

Now Spike realized how fake it had all been. Buffy didn't loved him. It was true she had used him.

* * *

Buffy stumbled into her bed without even getting changed. Her life was such a mess, and she had made it a mess. That's why she had broken up with Spike, to turn over a new leaf. Before she had died, her life had been good. Well as good as any slayers could be. She had a firm grip on it, and that's how she liked it. But then she came back and was messed up and then she messed up Spike and _oh god, have I done the right thing?_ Buffy asked her self. _Yes I have done the right thing. So why do I feel so bad?_

Buffy hugged her stuffed pig, Mr.Gordo tightly as she closed her eyes. As soon as she did this though, she gasped. Images of Spike flashed behind her closed eyelids.

_Spike fighting her, Spike leering at her, Spike coming to her for help. Spike protecting her, Spike looking after Dawn, Spike telling her he loved her, Spike talking to her about her death, understanding what she was going through, Spike patrolling with her, Spike singing to her, Spike kissing her, Spike in bed with her..._

Buffy cried out loud and leaping out of bed, ran through the house, through the kitchen and out the back door where she stumbled, tripped and fell onto the back steps. She let out a sob as she tilted her head back and gazed at the stars. So far away. Buffy half expected Spike to appear out of the bushes and sit down next to her like he had so many times before. She could not stop the flood of tears that washed down her face.

Buffy stared up at the stars for what seemed like hours. She was frozen in place. Her tears had stopped but she could not move.

* * *

Spike was staring up at the same stars. The stars… he use to be able to see the stars in her eyes.

Her. Buffy.

Spike took another swig of his beer. He loved her. Why did he love her? There were too many reasons. Did it matter anyway? She would never love him back. Never. He should just grab a stake and do the deed. But there was one thing that was stopping him from ending his unlife. Her name was Buffy Summers. No matter she didn't love him, no matter how much she hated him, Spike would live to protect her. Even if she didn't realize it. He would be there in the background, in the shadows, always there for her, watching her, missing her.

_Every step I take, every move I make  
Every single day, every time I pray  
Ill be missing you_

* * *

Buffy woke up slowly, stiff and sore not just physically but mentally. She had fallen asleep on the porch steps. Groaning loudly she got up and walked inside. Dawn was sitting there, eating a bowl of cereal and reading the Saturday morning comics. Her sister looked bright and fresh and the complete opposite of how Buffy felt.

"Hey Buff, what were you doing out there?" Dawn asked with out looking up, and then with out waiting for an answer, "Oh, by the way, we are out of milk - I just used the last bit up. We're also out of butter, and bread, and canned and instant meals, and really any general food. Just thought I would inform you."

Buffy felt like crumbling to the floor. But she had to be strong. For herself, her friends and Dawn.

"I guess it's time I went grocery shopping then."

And half and hour later she found herself at the grocery store.

Up and Down. Buffy watched the orange go. Up. Down. Was it ripe? Was it not? Up. Down. Buffy missed a catch and the orange fell to the ground.

"Woops." When did I become so clumsy? She watched it roll along the ground… and bump into… a foot.

"Here, let me get that for you." A deep voice said. Buffy found herself face to face with a guy. A good-looking guy. His hair was the colour of honey and his eyes were warm chocolate pools a girl could drown in.

He extended a hand to her. "Hi, my name's Aaron."

* * *

Later Buffy came home to find the house was empty. She vaguely wondered where Dawn was, after all it was a Saturday. She spent the rest of the day doing housework, to try and keep her mind off a certain peroxide vampire. But all the time alone only made her think about him more.

She had only been using him, because she was lonely and he was there. He loved her and she took advantage of that. Ok, so she had always been attracted to him even if he disgusted her, and she enjoyed his company. But she didn't love him. Well. Ok she had been starting to care about him. But she could not, and did not love him. He was evil! He had no soul! Buffy could not help wondering what he was like when he did have a soul. If she had been alive when William was around could she love him?

Life was so unfair. More tears fell down Buffy's cheeks.

* * *

It wasn't until it was getting dark and the house was sparking clean that Buffy realized Dawn wasn't home yet.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

She was frantic. Buffy had phoned her friends, phoned all Dawns friends . . . no one knew where she was. Buffy had told them all not to worry but already as she was scanning the graveyard, images of what could have happened filled her mind. Dawn somewhere kidnapped, Dawn being drained by a vampire, Dawn calling for her help …

Then suddenly it hit her. Dawn had gone to Spike's crypt. Of course. She often went there, her sister seemed to like Spike.

Buffy groaned loudly and sat down on a gravestone. She was so not ready to see Spike again. She doubted she ever would be ready again. But what if Dawn wasn't at Spike's? What if she was somewhere else and in danger? Buffy had to check at Spike's. There was no choice.

* * *

Standing if front of the crypt door, Buffy recalled that night not so many nights ago when she had stood there, her hand pressed to it. She had felt Spike on the other side. Felt his presence so strongly, mixing with hers. She had wanted to smash open the door and throw herself into his arms. But she didn't do that. No, Buffy had turned and headed in the opposite direction. And look at what had happened then? With her almost thinking she had killed that girl. . . none of those horrible events would have occurred if she had stayed with Spike . . . in his crypt, safe in his arms.

Buffy took three deep breaths. She had to get over this. She had to be strong. Without knocking she burst through the door.

"Spike!" She bellowed, "Is Dawn here?"

Spike had felt her presence outside the crypt before she came in, so he had been prepared.

"Don't get ya knickers in a knot Slayer, she's right here with me."

How could he act so causal? How can he pretend nothing was different?

"What are you doing with her?" Buffy snapped.

"Bloody hell Slayer! We were just watchin' TV."

Buffy noticed that he had gone back to calling her "Slayer". She felt miserable, and hollow. She had used to love the way Spike had whispered her name, huskily under his breath. It always sent shivers down her spine. Now she was cold and hard and emotionless. Just how a slayer should be.

"Dawn we're going home, it isn't healthy to spend so much time around the dead." Buffy briskly grabbed her sister's arm and then they were both gone, leaving Spike alone.

He felt something wet sliding down his cheek. It was a tear. Spike could not believe that he, a Master Vampire, was crying, and over a girl at that. Because being a slayer was only a small part of who she was, of whom she could be. There was so much more, and yet, when it came down to the truth, she really was just a girl. Just a girl… and he loved her.

But seeing Buffy like that, seeing her act so uncaring and cold, he felt like his heart was breaking all over again. Spike knew, that as much as she tried to be emotionless, she was filled with emotion, with passion. It was all around her, inside her. Spike knew the girl she could be. Now he would never get to see that side, because to her he was just a soulless monster, someone to go to if she wanted help slaying and betray his kind, which he always did, for her.

So if he was soulless why did he feel this way? As if every part of his un-beating heart was being ripped apart over and over again? Whatever she had been when she was using him, even if it was only a small fraction of what she was, Spike still missed her. Oh god, he missed her so, so much.

_Every step I take, every move I make  
Every single day, every time I pray  
I'll be missing you_

* * *

Later on, after Dawn had gone grumbling to bed, Buffy blocked her thoughts by thinking of a red brick wall and nothing else as she unsuccessfully tried to fall asleep.

* * *

"You again."

Buffy looked up, startled. She was at the grocery store once more after dropping a carton of eggs and spilling some milk this morning.

It was Aaron.

"Hello", he said.

"H-hi", Buffy stuttered.

Aaron began to talk then. Chat away as if they were old friends. Buffy half listened as she walked along with him pulling various things from different shelves.

"So do you?"

"Huh?"

"I asked you if after you finished your shopping you wanted to grab a cup of coffee with me, you look cold."

_Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!_ Her mind screamed, but then she remembered Spike _– "Don't get ya knickers in a knot slayer/ bloody hell we were just watchin' TV…" _

He didn't seem like he cared at all. Maybe he never really loved her? Maybe he just wanted to fuck her so he could boast to all his demon friends that he shagged the slayer?

Somehow Buffy knew that wasn't true. Still, she was jealous. She didn't want to admit it but she was. She would show Spike just how much she did not love him. Just how little he meant to her.

"Yes", Buffy told Aaron a little too firmly. "Yes I would love to have coffee with you."

* * *

Buffy had forgotten how hard it was having a proper conversation with someone who didn't know she was The Slayer.

_What was I thinking?_ She asked herself. _But Aaron's nice and he's cute, and he's perfect to keep your mind off Spike._

Spike.

There, she'd said it, now she was never going to be able to stop thinking about him.

With difficulty, Buffy managed to drink her coffee, act interested and answer all the questions Aaron was asking her without actually saying anything completely accurate but without actually lying.

Buffy realized something as he walked her home later on. Now that she had been with Spike, she could never be with anyone else again, especially a human. Ok, so Spike was a fantastic lover. But he could not be what she could ever allow herself to love; he was a monster and all that.

Oh well, it looked like she was going to spend the rest of her life alone. Her life probably wouldn't be that long anyway.

Buffy was so deep in thought, that she tripped over and went sprawling flat on her face, and her shoulder bag went flying, scattering its contents everywhere. It scared Buffy greatly, that she, The Slayer could be so clumsy. Aaron, ever the gentleman, helped her up and helped collect her belongings. That's when they both noticed the sharp, pointy wooden stake rolling merrily along. It had tumbled out of her bag and Buffy hadn't even realized she had brought it with her. Out of habit she guessed. How was she going to get out of this one?

"Why did you have a –" Aaron started to say but he was stopped by Buffy's lips on his.

It was the only thing she could think of to distract him. As they kissed Buffy could not help thinking Aaron wasn't nowhere near as good at kissing as Spike was. Oh Spike was a great kisser.

Oh Spike.

His soft yet hard lips….

His gentle yet urgent kisses. …

"Spike... Oh Spike." Buffy whispered. She thought she heard someone say "Who's Spike? I'm not Spike." But she silenced them with her mouth. In her mind's eye she was running her hands around the back of his neck, up through that soft, gently curled peroxide blond hair… Buffy moaned.

And snap!

Back to reality.

She was kissing Aaron, who, now that she thought about it, really wasn't the world's best kisser. She was _using _him. To stop feeling bad. She was using him like she had used Spike. What kind of person was she? What kind of horrible self-centered bitch had she become?

Pulling away and giving him a slight push, Buffy shook her head, her eyes wide.

"I'm sorry Aaron, I can't see you again," she said in a rush and bolted up the street to her house.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Buffy hadn't realized how used she had gotten to Spike simply being around her all the time, always there for her. It had been three whole days and she hadn't seen him once. Not that she had tried too, but everything seemed so pointless and empty without him there. Even patrolling was boring without Spike by her side, smirking and making arrogant comments.

As soon as darkness fell, Buffy headed towards Spike's crypt. _I'm not going to say anything_, she told herself, _I'm not going to let him see me, I'm just going to . . . watch him . . . make sure he's alright. Yeah. Help myself get over him. Yeah. Why do I care so much anyway?_

Okay, Buffy admitted to herself that she did care about Spike. She had known him for a very long time, how could she not? But they could never be together and she could not – did not love him. She did not.

Buffy was walking to his crypt telling herself this, when her thoughts were interrupted by a noise. She peered through the bushes and gravestones. It was _him_. Spike was fighting some other vampire. Buffy could not help but watch motionless for a second. He really was a good fighter. Very much like her, he took his time, making wisecracks between punches. But then Buffy noticed that the fledging was getting in a few more punches than he ought to.

* * *

Spike was weary. He had little strength left. Usually killing something sent his adrenalin pumping. It cheered him up, but it just wasn't working tonight. Spike couldn't stop thinking about Buffy. He hadn't seen her for three entire days and it had been pure agony.

He didn't know how he was going to survive the rest of his unlife with out his golden goddess at his side. Spike loved Buffy more than anything. If she would give herself to him, he would devote himself to her and spend the rest of his unlife making her happy, just to see her smile and to know she was his.

But that was never going to happen. Spike hated feeling this way but he knew he would never be able to stop it now…

The other vampire was punching Spike in the face but he barely felt it. The vampire kicked him in the chest and down he went.

Buffy watched as Spike fell and hit his head on a gravestone.

Ouch.

She had to step in.

"Hey Spike!" She snarled, "You're stealing all my prey." And with that she swiftly staked the younger vampire.

Buffy stood over Spike and sneered down at him. It was so hard not to just collapse on top of him and clutch him to her chest, hugging him tightly, asking him if he was all right.

_Spike is arrogant_

_Spike is selfish_

_Spike is mean_

_Spike is self-centred_

_Spike is a pig_

_Spike is soulless_

_Spike is evil_

_Spike is a vampire_

_Spike is a demon_

_Spike is my enemy_

_Spike is a fool. He dose not love me, he doesn't know what love is! I don't love him._

Buffy said these things to herself over and over again.Then she said to Spike, filling her voice with venom: "Spike get up and go back to your cold, dark, damp crypt where you belong."

Spike stared up and her for a long time. The pain was suffocating, and it wasn't from the punches or bruises he had collected from the fledging vampire moments before. No it was from Buffy. Still, he loved her. He was through with this. He slowly got up off the ground.

"Buffy when will you realize?" He said quietly.

"Realize what, Spike?"

"Buffy what you did to me is what everyone has done to you."

"What?!"

"Your afraid to let anyone close! You're afraid to let anyone love you! _Your _afraid to love anyone!"

"You don't know what you're talking about!"

"It's because of: first Angel leaving you and then that thing with Parker and then Riley leaving isn't it?"

Buffy couldn't speak. It was weird hearing that Spike actually knew her boyfriends real names and wasn't calling them Peaches, and Captain Cardboard.

"Even your bloody watcher left you!"

"That's different!" Buffy screamed.

But Spike was on a roll."And when you find someone who loves you, someone who would never leave you, you end up leaving them. Because you're frightened. Because you're scared. Because your afraid of them leaving you first."

Buffy could not believe what she was hearing. "Don't be an idiot Spike, I could never love you, you're an evil – ''

"Yeah, yeah I've heard that all before Buffy. I'm an evil bloodsucking fiend."

They continued to shout at each other, fighting with words. It would have felt good to argue and scream, to let it all out, if the words didn't mean anything. If what Spike was saying wasn't true.

"So I don't have a soul. But look at me Buffy, I can act like a man. Angel was _forced_ into getting a soul, _forced_ into feeling guilty for all he did, forced into becoming good. But as soon as he lost his soul - bang – evil, uncaring, bloodsucking monster. All he could think of was destroying the world and killing things. There is no way you would be able to talk to Angelus and make him good again. Even as a human Angel was a bad man. Buffy I don't have a soul, and I'm not Angelus. I'm not like Angel. But I love you. I _love_ you."

Buffy felt hot tears flood down her cheeks as memories came rushing back. Spike was right. And it was killing her.

"I love you," he said again.

"NO YOU DON'T!!!" Buffy screamed.

She could not take it if he said it once more.

Spike grabbed Buffy's shoulders and tried to look into her eyes.

"I. Love. You. I love you."

"SHUT UP, JUST SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"I love you for your beauty, your strength, the way you look after your sister and friends, I love you for you humor, I love you for your sensitivity and caring, I love you because your special to me, and I love you because I've never loved anyone more than I love you, even when your trying to kill me. I love you Buffy Summers."

"_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_"

Buffy felt fire flaming through her veins. She punched Spike.

And punched him.

And punched him.

And punched him.

"YOU.DO. NOT. LOVE. ME. YOU. CAN. NOT. LOVE. ME. AND I _HATE _YOU!"

But it was no use, Spike was knocked out cold. Buffy stared at his limp, still, form. She choked back a sob, and then she ran.

When Buffy reached her home at last, she rushed to the medicine cabinet and took out a sleeping pill, then crawled to her bedroom and didn't even have time to cry before just like Spike, Buffy too was out cold.

* * *

Everything was foggy and bright when Buffy opened her eyes. The sun was shining merrily through her window.

_The sun._

_Spike._

_Spike._

_Sun. _

_Spike. _

_Buffy punch. _

_Spike unconscious._

_Sun._

_Spike. Is. In. The. Sun._

Spikeisinthesun!!! 

_Oh my god! _

No he couldn't still be unconscious could he?

But Buffy was already running, running, running, down the street towards the cemetery.

The sun seemed to glow even brighter as she ran.

And ran.

Then there he was. Sizzling away in the sun. As Buffy got closer she saw his hand burst into flames and parts of his legs soon joined in.

"Spike!!!!!" Buffy screamed.

She froze in place as his face burst into flames.

Spike didn't make a noise.

Buffy stood there and all she could do was scream.

Spike was dying because of her.

No.

He wasn't dead yet.

Buffy forced her legs to move and she picked Spike up, trying to snuff out the flames while running to shade. She got to his crypt, which wasn't far away, but as she ran some of the flames had grown bigger.

Dumping him on the floor she rolled him back and forth furiously trying to get rid of the flames. Finally they were gone, but was Spike okay?

He lay there completely still, his body red and raw. His jeans had burnt holes all over them but had managed to protect him to some extent. His shirt on the other hand had been completely burnt and his chest was peeling away. He wasn't moving. He was damaged enough to be dead. For real.

Buffy cried and cried. It was her fault. She laid her head on his burnt chest.

"Spike, I'm so, so, so sorry. I know that doesn't mean anything now, but please! I need you! Please don't leave me! Spike – I love you!"

Buffy didn't even realize what she had just said. She shook Spike hard. He had to be alive. He wasn't dust.

"SAY SOMETHING DAMMIT!" Buffy yelled at him.

She ran and got a cloth with cold water and then she placed it on his scorched face, then on his arms, his chest.

"Spike – baby please. I need you." She whispered.

Buffy stayed there for what seemed like forever, sometimes sobbing quietly, hugging him, or full out wailing. Mopping his skin with the damp cloth and applying light bandages, not really sure what to do. She was angry with him, for not waking up, maybe he was going to leave her like they all had? More than that though, she was angry with her self. She was the evil one.

Finally Buffy could not look at him anymore. She put her head in her hands and curled up into a little ball where she cried so much she felt as if her own face was burning from her tears.

Then softly, so softly, she heard it more in her head than out loud –

"Buf –fy."

Her head jerked towards Spike. Slowly his beautiful blue eyes opened and he looked straight at her.

"Buffy."


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

"Spike?" slowly, Buffy opened the crypt door. He was there, lying down on the couch staring at the TV.

"Spike I brought some blood for you."

The vampire tried to smile, but gave up. "Thanks, just put it in the fridge for me luv, I'm not hungry right now."

It had been two weeks since the incident when Spike almost burnt up. When Buffy almost killed him. Most of his burns had faded and were almost gone, but he was still recovering.

He was as handsome as ever. But what got to Buffy most was that now he barely ever spoke, hardly ever said anything. He just stared at the TV. Whenever she brought over some blood for him he would avoid looking at her, and when he did, there was such pain in his eyes that Buffy was forced to look away. It seemed that not only had she burned him on the outside, but scarred him on the inside as well.

Buffy stood watching Spike stare at the TV. She hated the way she was feeling. She had messed up her life and Spike's as well, more than she could ever imagine. All she wanted to do was run to him and feel his arms around her. She wanted the normal Spike back. She wanted the one who always had something to say even if it was only to annoy her. She wanted him to be his usual cocky and arrogant but also tender and sweet self. The one she had known before.

It seemed that he had never really been happy for a long time. Even when Buffy used to come to him late at night, she knew that somehow he knew she was using him. She had thought it wasn't right, and it wasn't right it was so very, very wrong. She had been forcing Spike to act like an animal, all rough and violent, but he could be so much more. Buffy had forgotten that. And maybe that's why everything had been so screwed up in the first place.

It was because of the way Buffy had treated Spike. Taking things out on him just because he was there. Treating him like dirt because he loved her, and she was scared.

Buffy had messed this up and every other relationship she had been in. The others left but Spike wouldn't, she knew.

Buffy had admitted to herself that she loved Spike, all of him. She loved him so much it was painful and she had loved him for a long time with out even realizing it.

And now, Spike hadn't left Buffy but here he was and he was unhappy. Buffy knew she would never be happy until he was too. She loved him sooo much, but now after all she had done, the past years of treating him like scum and then this last straw of leaving him to burn, did Spike still love her? How could he?

Buffy walked to Spike. She held his hand in hers. "Spike . . . do you love me?" She looked into his eyes searching for the truth.

"I love you Buffy, you know I do." He answered, but turned his head away.

It wasn't enough.

Buffy kissed his forhead and walked away with grim determination.

She was not going to mess up her last chance at a relationship.

* * *

A few more weeks passed, and Buffy visited Spike everyday, bringing him blood. He talked to her a bit more, but his eyes were still filled with sadness. Buffy's heart ached for him. 

Finally one night she knocked at the door to his crypt. Spike opened it, surprised that she had bothered to knock. On the outside, he was completely healed now, no scars no pealing skin, cuts or burns. Buffy could almost pretend that she had never left him in the sun.

Almost.

But she would never forget. It was her fault and she was going to make things right from now on. Taking his hand, she asked, "Can we talk?"

Spike simply nodded, and they went and sat down on the couch. Buffy took a deep breath, and then she began:

"A lot of things have happened over the five years I have known you, Spike. We have been through a lot together, and you have done a lot for me. In return I have not really treated you well at all. Maybe that's because at first, I didn't _know_ you, the real you, but also because I was scared. I wanted to make you think that when I looked at you all I saw was a demon like the ones I kill every night. But you have always been much more than that. The other demons don't have personalities, well not that I know of, that's why it's so much easier killing them.

I don't know why you loved me, but I want to find out more about you. Not just about the man in you Spike, but the demon as well. There is so much to you, and even though you are a demon, without a soul, I know there is goodness still inside.

So if you can, I'm willing to try, I want us to forget about the past, I want you to forget about everything I have said and done, because I accept you as a vampire Spike and I accept you as a man. If we can put the past behind us, and you are still interested in me . . . then I would like it if we, you and me, like any ordinary couple went on a date."

Buffy had never seen as many emotions in someone's eyes as there were in his at that moment. She swallowed nervously. What if he said no?

Spike was speechless. He opened and closed his mouth, and finally found his voice.

"I never stopped –," his voice cracked "loving you Buffy, I –."

"Don't say that – just tell me, tell me will you go out with me?"

"Yes! Hell yes!"

"Ill see ya then," Buffy smiled and walked out the door.

Spike jumped high into the air and punched it with his fist like a high school boy after his first date. "Yeeeessssssssssssssss! The slayer wants me! Oh she wants me bad!"

* * *

Dawn, Willow, and Xander were sitting around the table playing card games when Buffy came down the stairs. 

She was wearing a long, soft, pale pink dress that had thin straps, hugged her around the waist and then flowed around her ankles. She had a handbag to match, and her hair was in a French twist with little pearl clips decorating it. She had on just a touch of makeup, but her face was flushed with her own excitement.

"Buffy!" They all exclaimed. "Where are you going?"

Buffy smiled. She had made a decision. She was going to tell everyone about her and Spike. She would scream it from the rooftops if she had to. She wasn't ashamed anymore at all, and she wasn't afraid to be happy.

"I have a date."

"A date?" Willow and Xander gasped.

"Yeah I know, it's been way to long." Buffy beamed at her friends.

"Who is it Buffy? Who is it?" shrieked Dawn.

Buffy wiggled her eyebrows, "You'll just have to wait and find out."

As soon as she said this there was a knock at the door. Tingling in anticipation, Buffy opened it.

"Good evening Buffy. You look stunning." Spike gave her the rose he held in his hand and leaned forward to softly kiss her cheek. Buffy giggled, "You look amazing too, Spike."

Spike had gotten dressed up in a black tux and bowtie. He looked stunningly handsome and alive. Slowly Buffy turned around.

Willow was gaping.

Xander looked like her was trying to decided whether to be shocked or angry.

Dawn just looked happy.

Xander broke the silence with a shriek, "Willow! Has one of your spells backfired again?"

Walking up to him and looking into his eyes Buffy asked, "Xander, do you want me to be happy?"

"Of course I do – but Spike, he's a vampire!"

Buffy shook Xander a bit, wanting him to understand. " Spike makes me happy, it shouldn't matter what he is! Love is blind! Now are you going to support me, or turn your back on me?"

Xander didn't have to think about it long. He sighed, "If this is what you want to do, then I'll learn to live with it." Buffy hugged Xander. Over her shoulder he saw Spike smirking.

Xander gave a nod to the Vampire. "How's it going evil dead boy?"

Spike was all right for a demon. Willow seemed to have accepted it and Dawn was mumbling something like " It's about time she came to her senses."

"Shall we go then?" Buffy asked Spike. Smiling a charming smile and linking his arm through hers he lead her to his car and surprised Buffy by opining the door for her. Aww what a gentleman.

* * *

This was the best night of her life, and Buffy never wanted it to end. The two had eaten at this nice restaurant chatting about anything and everything and feeding each other food. Spike was so easy to get on with and the more Buffy found out about him the more she loved him. 

When they finished eating, Buffy shyly allowed Spike to lead her to the dance floor. A slow song was playing, and Spike slipped his arms around her, resting his hands lightly on the small of her back. Buffy wrapped her arms around his neck and rested her head on his shoulder, closing her eyes, lost in the sensation of being in his arms, and slowly swaying to the music.

Spike could hear Buffy's heart beating and it almost felt like his own. Never in his wildest dreams would he have thought Buffy would have ever wanted to go out on a _date_ with him! He felt like a human again and for the first time in a long time he felt needed. For ages there had been an emptiness inside him, and a loneliness that would not go away. But now, this golden girl was filling up all those spaces, making him whole again.

There was just one space that had yet to be filled. Spike was scared that this was all to good to be true. What if she just felt guilty? What if she got board with him, and left him? She didn't _love _him did she? Spike needed to know, but he would not say anything, he already felt as if he was getting was more than he deserved.

They danced on and on. Sometimes kissing, sometimes whispering sweet words in each others ears, but most of the time just staring into each others eyes.

Buffy couldn't help smiling, and laughing. She felt like a giggly teenager in love, it felt so good and yet it was so much more than that. Buffy felt as if Spike was the one person she had been looking for her whole life. She knew he was whom she wanted to spend the rest of it with.

"It's getting late. I better drive you home and then get to my ol' crypt before the sun comes out to play." Spike hated for this night to end. There was nothing more that he wanted to do than be with her right now. And forever.

"This has been the best night of my life Buffy." God, he sounded like his poofy grandsire.

"Mine too."

They were walking to the car, hand in hand when Buffy stopped and faced him.

"Spike, I want to be with you."

Spike stopped too, and looked at her, hope filling his eyes.

"Spike . . . I booked a hotel room for the night. Will . . . you, I mean you don't have to but . . . will you stay with me?"

Spike swept her up into his arms and kissed her with a fierce passion that left them both breathless.

"I'll take that as a yes," Buffy laughed.

* * *

Alone together in the hotel room, Buffy smiled shyly at Spike. 

Scented candles cast a gentle glow around the room and the heady smell of sandalwood filled her nose. She walked slowly over to Spike and they stood in front of the Queen sized bed.

"Spike", Buffy whispered. "Make love to me."

His eyes glazed over in desire and she slipped her hands under his jacket, pushing it slowly down his arms feeling the hard muscles. She started to remove her dress but Spike stopped her.

"Let me." He turned her around, letting her hair lose and slipping the thin straps of her dress over her shoulders so very slowly.

Buffy gasped as her dress fell to the ground and she was left in only a pair of pink satin panties that were already sopping wet with her desire.

Turning her around again, Spike picked her up, and then lay her gently on her back on the bed. Her heartbeat quickened as he trailed kisses up her thigh.

It had never been like this before; it was always over in a second. Buffy had never really given him a chance. Spike wanted to show her how much he loved her and he wanted to make this last. Continuing to kiss up her legs, then skipping that certain area, he went on to her belly kissing a circle around her navel then moving up to her breasts.

Spike swirled his tongue around her nipples and listened to Buffy breathing heavily.

He removed his shirt and she ran her hands over his back feeling his strong muscles ripple beneath her touch. Spike's hands moved to her panties and hovered around the top. He looked at her then slowly, slowly pulled them down her legs, as Buffy squirmed in anticipation.

When she was completely naked, her looked down at her. "Your beautiful, you know that? I could sit here all day and just look at you."

Buffy blushed and Spike lowered his head.

Lower, lower . . . . . . .

When nothing happened, Buffy looked down at the blond head between her thighs. And that's when his pointy read tongue lashed out and liked her like a cat. Buffy's body jerked hard and she let out a low, loud moan. Spike continued, licking her from top to bottom, tasting her juices. He slid two fingers inside her, moving in and out.

"Yes, yes, ohhhh yesss!"

Spike watched her face as waves of pleasure rolled over it. She was so very beautiful to him.

"Yes Spike, keep going, and don't stop, oh god! I'm so close baby, so close I'm going to-,"

At this point Spike added a third finger.

"Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Buffy screamed as her orgasm came hard and she knew that more would come.

It was like there first time together. It was like the first orgasm she had ever had. Everything else was forgotten and Buffy had never felt this way before. Her love for Spike was scorching her; it was stronger than anything she had ever faced. She needed him inside her. But first –

With slayer strength Buffy flipped Spike onto his back and unbuckled his belt.

Spike watched as she removed his pants."Buffy -?"

"Your beautiful too." She told him.

His breath caught in his thought when her hot hand came in contact with his cool skin.

She gripped his cock tightly, burning it and bringing her hand from base, down to the tip.

Buffy was nervous. She had never done this before, but she wanted to please him.

His eyes widened as Buffy boldly moved her hand up and down over his large, rock hard cock, though apparently she decided it wasn't enough and replaced her hand by her mouth.

He nearly passed out. Her mouth was so hot. She moved up and down her hand caressing his balls increasing the sensation. Spike made the mistake of looking down and almost came just from the sight of her cheeks sunken in, her full red lips wrapped around him, sucking, licking, milking…. oh god.

"Buffy – luv- stop – I'm – gonna – cum."

But she kept on at it.

Spike was worried she would be disgusted if he came in her mouth and he tried to push her head away but she wouldn't let him. He couldn't hold back anymore.

"Bufffffffffffffffy!!!!!!" he roared as the orgasm ripped through him.

Buffy swallowed all that he gave.

When Spike lay back and closed his eyes, Buffy crawled up onto him. "You taste so good," she purred licking her lips in appreciation. Instantly Spike was as hard as a rock again. They kissed and ground their hips together.

"Spike I need you."

Spike flipped Buffy over so he was on top once more. He positioned himself at her entrance and stared down at her intensely. When their eyes locked, Buffy said the last thing he imagined he would ever hear coming from her rosy red lips.

"I love you."

Unable to stop it, a tear ran down his face. Was it true? Could it possibly be true? But looking into her eyes told him everything, the love that filled them . . . it was all for him.

"Spike why are you crying?"

"They are tears of happiness. I love you Buffy, god I love you so much."

Then Buffy found herself crying too as she kissed him, their tears mingling.

Spike entered her then and for a moment neither could move… then as one, they moved together, Buffy lifting her hips and Spike thrusting in and out of her. It was slow at first and as they looked deep into each other's eyes. Buffy had never felt so close to anyone before. She felt as if her soul was his as well.

Beginning to move faster, Buffy's clit got bumped with each thrust. Her nails scratched down his back and he growled sending violent shivers through her.

It was building, building.

Spike knew they were both so close.

Buffy turned her head exposing the soft flesh of her neck to him.

"Spike, your chip doesn't work on me, do it please." She panted.

What was she saying? She couldn't mean –

"Please…"

"No, Buffy-"

"Please! Spike please, mark me as yours."

Spike tried to stop it but his demon face had already emerged.

"Please, I want to be yours, truly yours."

Spike thought his heart had started beating again. Buffy felt a slight sting as his sharp fangs pierced her flesh, and then only wave after wave of pleasure. Her orgasm was so close.

Spike pulled away his human face back in place.

"Spike –."

"Buffy -."

The explosion came. Buffy screamed loud enough to shatter windows and Spike came right with her as they both saw stars.

When her eyes focused again Buffy looked up at the beautiful vampire on top of her.

"I'm yours." She said breathing heavily.

"And I'm yours." He panted back.

When Spike slowly moved of her and rolled to the side, they both felt the pain of being separated after being so close. Spike pulled her as close as he could wrapping his arms protectively around her. He knew what she needed to hear.

"Buffy, I won't leave you. Not ever. I will stay with you, by your side forever, protecting you, loving you."

Buffy smiled and her heart swelled. "I'll never leave _you _Spike. I love you. Forever." She paused, "And Spike? I'm so sorry it took me so long to come to my senses, I think I could have avoided a lot of pain if I had realised I had been honest with myself and realised I loved you sooner."

Spike smiled, "It doesn't matter Buffy, that's in the past now, and going through the pain was worth it to get where we are now."

Content in each other's arms, the slayer and vampire drifted off to sleep.

* * *

_Thank you for reading :) Hope you liked my story, I actually wrote this quite a while ago, when I first watched As You Were…I hated the ending of that episode and decided to write my own :P Its much nicer for Spike isn't it :) _


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